In Search Of The Elusive Female Orgasm

Ask the Loveologist: Help, I Can’t Get the O!
posted by Wendy Strgar Jun 9, 2009 5:08 pm

Hello,
I saw this article on Care2 and thought you'd like it as well.

Care2 is the largest and most trusted information and action site for people who care to make a difference in their lives and the world.Care2.com send We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.15 comments I have never been able to orgasm with my partner. My partner says he will do anything to help me, but it seems to make me even more tense. I know he is bummed out every time we make love because he feels like he failed me. I have even faked it a few times and then felt bad about that, like I was lying. What is wrong with me? What can I do?

Almost 75 percent of the sexuality questions that are sent to me on my blog are about orgasm. Everyone wants to have an orgasm and you are not in the minority of those who cannot experience this most magical and mysterious aspects of what it is to be human and sexual. Orgasm is a sister or brother to the experience of arousal which happens first in our brains. Self consciousness and anxiety about our ability to perform and/or achieve orgasm only serve to impede.

Not being able to connect in sexuality can be challenging for relationships, but not nearly as much as being disconnected and dishonest about our feelings and our own sexual issues. Just as in other areas of the relationship, partners are responsible to each other, but cannot be responsible for each others experience. Being honest and open with each other about the kinds of touch that feels good is a deeply vulnerable act which will has the capacity to inspire more of the same.

Begin working with your partner and give up the drive for orgasm. Instead focus on opening your lives and sexual activity to the pursuit and curiosity of arousal. Use the power of scent to wake up the limbic center of your brain which controls memory, emotion and sexuality. Experiment with different scents and different physical activities. Rediscover the art of flirting and pay attention to your physical reactions to this kind of playfulness. Orgasm is an opening in life, perhaps the most vulnerable, unpredictable and uncontrollable openings we experience in life. It is the place where thought is replaced with our own body knowing. Showing respect and admiration for this mystery is how to invite it to surprise you.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. As her online presence continues to grow, Wendy has become a trusted and respected source of information on lasting and healthy relationships. “I feel like I am inventing a language to give intimacy back to the people, take the fear away and open a space for physical love to serve as the glue that holds relationships together.” Wendy lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their four children ages 11-20.

More on Ask the Loveologist (4 articles available)
More from Wendy Strgar (25 articles available)

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Karen Freund says
Jun 13, 2009 8:44 AM
Take a shower. And I don't mean a cold one. The vibrations from a hand held shower head are so fantastic. It works every time and is sometimes so powerful that I fall to my knees.


Stephen N. says
Jun 11, 2009 12:42 PM
Orgasm is a verb?!


Anne P. says
Jun 10, 2009 9:54 PM
Postmenopausal women can have trouble reaching orgasm, and when they finally do get there (as in my case) it's much less satisfying than in our reproductive years, and can actually be painful.


Randolph D. says
Jun 10, 2009 4:18 PM
On top of everything that has been said so far, my question is do you orgasm w/o your BF? If you know how to orgasm w/o your BF, then you gotta show him how it's done. Tell him how you like it and explain the quality of stimulation to him that you require, then you have to completely let go at the point of no return. Hey, you guys completely love each other; this is what lovers are for.

On top of this, you should both study taoist sexology. He should learn how to take you to the 9th wave (rather than only the 4th wave that most people know) while he sustains himself to superior orgasm. It's the man's job to keep his woman healthy, happy, and satisfied, so he better take an active role and show more interest in his woman. Bring her to the 9th wave - I promise you, you will both wake up to a whole new world.

Tess H. says
Jun 10, 2009 1:13 PM
Another common complication that is often overlooked in women, is whether or not the woman has had any gynecological surgeries. Hysterectomies, oophorectomies (ovaries removed), tubal ligations - are all physical reasons women cannot have orgasms. It's amazing how this is downplayed in the medical community yet it effects so many women. Over 650,000 U. S. women have hysterectomies each year. Considering the millions of women this number now includes, it's wrong to make such blanket statements as the biggest sex organ is the brain. In order for the brain to send it's signals, it must have all the sex organs to send the signals to.


Katie G. says
Jun 10, 2009 11:02 AM
It can take 45 minutes to "prime" a woman for the big O...consider foreplay. Sometimes just laying in bed, with your partner gently running his fingers over your body is great preparation. And turn off all distractions. Women are constantly thinking...I need to get the laundry done, oh I forgot toothpaste at the store, I should get dinner on soon, etc. and this can really impair your ability to get in the mood and to have an orgasm. Perhaps meditation will help. This is one way to clear your mind of thoughts, and then focus on what he is doing, touching, that is pleasing to you. It's interesting to me, someone who uncontrollably thinks all the time, that when I finally "let go" I seem to sink into another world, and all I can see or feel or hear is my husband. It's incredible, but I can't do it all the time. It takes practice! Oh, and I agree vibrators help too, I let him play with it...he enjoys it and of course, I do too!


Colleen D. says
Jun 10, 2009 9:56 AM
What do they say about watching water to wait for it to boil? Perhaps not worrying about having the big O may be the ticket. Just enjoy each other.

I do know that many anti-depression meds will suppress one's ability to orgasm. If that's the case there may be other meds that may do the same thing.

Have you considered sex for one to discover for yourself what you would find stimulating? While the vibrator suggestion was rather rough, self exploration may well prove to be the ultimate experience for what your body needs or will respond to. Teach yourself what stimulates you and then teach your partner. I learned this mode of thought years ago from Bette Dodson who is the author of Sex for One and put out a trio of videos years back on self exploration.

I do hope you find what you seek!


Mary Wood says
Jun 10, 2009 9:24 AM
Are you taking birth control pills? They can cause the problem you're describing. They did for me.

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Ron K. says
Jun 10, 2009 9:19 AM
Today's society is too goal oriented. There is so much emphasis being placed on achieving something; in this case the big "O". Love and intimacy come from within, and one must learn how to love themselves before then can love someone else. This goes for sex as well. Pull back from the goal and enjoy the intimate moments with your partner; exploring what brings each other joy and fulfillment. Let the big "O" be a bonus; for it will come once you are free and your heart is full of love.

Sharon Hoehner says
Jun 10, 2009 9:09 AM
One of my friends had an operation since her clitoris was somehow covered up with too much skin. It worked for her. Too well apparently.

While rare, there are certain times there's a physical, not emotional reason for this. Dr. Daniel Amen who is a psychologist who deals with fixing the brain on a physical level more so than counseling says that when certain areas of the brain are repaired many couples "fix" their sex life. I just read this a couple days ago in Magnificent Mind at any Age.

Is there any chance you're ADD? Deep breathing might help when you're getting close to orgasm, eyes closed, dark, no talking. ADD people cannot get distracted by their surroundings.

You might also want to try EFT. www.emofree.com is the central site with many testimonials, links, etc.

In my lifetime I have known a couple women who couldnt, or wouldnt, come with me. I think it was a power thing, where she had the power to bring me to orgasm, but I didnt have that same power because she wouldnt allow it. My orgasm with her was usually a bonding experience to me that I enjoyed and helped me feel closer to her because she was the one who provided it. I thought they were just wasting an incredible potential within themselves (literally and figuratively) that I would have enjoyed providing for, and with, them. I was somewhat disappointed that I couldnt do for her what she did for me. I dont know if she got herself off when she was alone, or not. After a while I just came to accept it as the way it was going to be and focused on my pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction. She seemed okay with that arrangement, so I stopped trying. Other women I have known had frequent strong orgasms with me on a regular basis, even tho they wouldnt always admit it.