A Good Death

What Is a "Good Death"?
By Barbara Kate Repa, Caring.comFind more

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Helping to ensure a "good death"

Poets, professors, priests, and plain folks all opine about what makes a "good death." In truth, deaths are nearly as unique as the lives that came before them—shaped by the attitudes, physical conditions, medical treatments, and mix of people that accompany them.

Still, many have pointed to a few common factors that can help a death seem good—and even inspiring—as opposed to frightening, sad, or tortuous. By most standards, a good death is one in which a person dies on his or her own terms, relatively free from pain, in a supported and dignified setting. Other things to consider:

Having affairs in order
Not everyone has the luxury of planning for death. But those who take the time and make the effort to think about their deaths during life and plan for some of the details of their final care and comfort are more apt to retain some control and say-so in their final months and days of life.

Legal specifics of such planning can include taking steps to get affairs in order by:

Having an estate plan, with a will, trust, or other arrangement that sets out who gets property and how it should be divided.
Specifying final medical care in an advance directive.
Making final arrangements for body burial or cremation.
Indicating preferences for a funeral or memorial service. Psychological preparation includes talking about an impending death with caregivers, family members, and others.

Controlling pain and discomfort
Most Americans say they would prefer to die at home , according to recent polls. Yet the reality is that three-quarters of the population dies in some sort of medical institution, many of them after spending time in an intensive care unit.

As life expectancies increase, more people are becoming proactive . A growing number of aging patients are choosing not to have life-prolonging treatments that might ultimately increase pain and suffering—such as invasive surgery or dialysis—and deciding instead to have comfort or palliative care through hospice in their final days.

Having few regrets

Often quoted in the literature on death and dying are the tenets in The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, a medical doctor who professes the need for a dying person to express four thoughts at the end of life:

I love you.
Thank you.
I forgive you.
Forgive me.

This supports the idea that, for many people, a good death requires ending life without unfinished business, and with reconciling damaged or broken relationships when possible.

Receiving mindful care and support
The right company can help aid a "good death." Although dying may be scary or sad or simply unfamiliar to those who are witnessing it, studies of terminally ill patients underscore one common desire: to be treated as live human beings until the moment they die.

Most also say they don't want to be alone during their final days and moments. This means that caregivers should find out what kind of medical care the dying person wants administered or withheld and be sure that the medical personnel on duty are fitting in skill and temperament.

Favorite activities or objects can be as important as final medical care. Caregivers should ascertain the tangible and intangible things that would be most pleasing and comforting to the patient in the final days: favorite music or readings, a vase of flowers, a back rub or foot massage, being surrounded by loved ones in quiet or conversation.

Spirituality can help many people find strength and meaning during their final moments. Think about the patients preferred spiritual or religious teachings and underpinnings, since ensuring access to this can be especially soothing at the end of life.
More on End-of-Life:

How to Talk to a Loved One About Death
8 Ways to Prepare a Child for a Grandparent's Death
End-of-Life Help
Search: End of Life Care

Copyright © 2009 Caring.com. All rights reserved. This article is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to be, or to serve as a substitute for, professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Caring.com does not provide medical advice; diagnosis or treatment; or legal, financial, or other professional services advice and disclaims any liability for the decisions you make based on this information. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

malibu2#1
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:34:08 AM
so what does this have to do with death
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crazysaberguy#2
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:33:30 AM
A good death is with your enemy's blood on your lips, watching him scatter before you while you defile his civilization and hear the lamentations of his women.

A warrior's death in battle is the only way to enter Valhalla, where all true heroes go.

laverdergrower#3
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:31:33 AM
You people are missing the whole point. This isn't about religion or God. This is about choosing a way to die. At home without all the torture the Dr.s put you through at a hospital. Leave Jesus out of it. You'll meet him later! We ALL wish we could go fast, in an instant. But unfortunately we get sick and get into the clutches of the medical community. They want to keep us alive at all costs. Usually the cost is the welfare of their patient. If you are dying get hooked up with good hospice care. This is about dying with dignity. A good death.
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Hope25#4
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:30:33 AM
My motto since college days (and now I'm middle aged) is to LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST ON EARTH. That means leaving people and conversations on a good note -- even if you do not agree or were upset, you declare at the end, "I'm upset, but I hope we can resolve this" or something that leaves the door open for "redemption" or "reconciliation." If it is a person you do not like or cannot work with (incorrigible), then make sure you take the high road and let them know where you stand and then leave them alone and avoid the negative, poisonous, toxic dealings with them even if they start the conversation with "hello." In this case, you know it's going to get negative so you keep it short and make sure you have something to do, but you say, "Have a nice day" and get off the phone or out of their presence. But you can pray for them and put them in God's hands (visualize that) and leave it alone -- don't spend any more energy or thought on them.

If this were your last day on earth, what would you do? 24 hours, what would you do?

You should do a little of that everyday.

When it comes to forgiveness, it's hard, yes. But just do it in FAITH, even if you do NOT feel it. God has more power than you to right the wrong. Just stay connected to God and the Comforter, the Holy Spirit. The right MUSIC helps put you there in that zone.

And, Yes. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. Belief and assurance in the power of the God and the son Jesus and doing what you know to do right, knowing that God loves you and is making everything work out in the end (God has the big picture and is interested in your success) gives you the PEACE you need to indeed have a good death.

jebeddy#5
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:30:08 AM
Dying is part of life, once it happens one is free of suffering, cold, hot or hunger. Life continues through one's cells transmitted to the children one has... Just as a plant as a flower then a fruit which by it's seeds produces a new life...

Bipolar#6
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:25:36 AM
this was a very good story I also might add That A LIVING WILL IS ALSO good to have and A DNR Everything for me is planned out to the last detail EVERYONE should have every thing order before they die including being right with GOD. DIeing should not be scary at all. IT SHOULD BE A PEACH FUL TIME ALL WERE DOING IS LEAVING THIS OLD EARTH FOR A BETTER PLACE WHERE THEIR NO MORE PAIN OR SICKNESS

mommimeg#7
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:23:26 AM
I loved this article, I do find it troubling that people wait until the last second(sometimes literally) to find religion and secure a place in paradise, wherever that is for them. Death is a sad thing I would say for most people. We are hard wired to stay alive and take any means to do so. Accepting death would be difficult for most because it is in our human nature to fear it.

P.K.Menon#8
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:22:20 AM
What is good death can be aptly summed in Nancy Gibbs words (Time May5, 2009)

Most of us have a good idea how we want to die, at home at peace, quickly with family, without pain and at a ripe old age. However, progress begets paradox: We have gotten so well with the goal; it swallowed the others, so we live longer but die slower.

OneSonPerishNot#9
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:21:22 AM
HOw is this possible? There really would be no god if HE allowed all the pain and misery of life the way it has panned out looking back on history and the state of the nations and the future currently. I mean the consequences of sinful things and behaviors are obvious to any religion. Your view of god sounds pretty and inclusive to all but how do you account for that god you speak of who lets all things happen and people live any way they want make up any form of idol or sacrifice children and/or women into volcanoes, or have full authority on the lives of women, how bout the cannibalism in some tribalism, the Darfur war crimes of rape and destruction through villages. You think god allows these things? Yet will save everyone just because. Though it is true life in the flesh and allowing us to live life, even celebrating life is going on and panning out in civilzations of history. Please do not be fooled by the lie that everyone goes to heaven. You must realize that God exists and sin caused death , that keeps us from the presence of His holiness, yet we are made in His image, now with corrupted flesh. But He spoke through the prophets of Israel and has been bringing His unique creations back home gradually to all that will listen, He finally reconciled us with our own sin by paying the price Himself , becoming the Lamb and the sacrifice. This is the only , the only Son that gets you back into any form of holiness to be in conversation at all with the True God. Not by what we do , but by the His Holy works. Then we can see our sin in the light of His holiness to know Him more and begin to change by our desire to obey Him when we love Him personally. People running around, me being one of them, battle the sin(the flesh) vs. the Holy Spirit all the time, even when we received it. The rest wander restlessly with no divine forgiveness of sin making believe they are pretty much good and kind. However those acts do not get you in, it is only the mercy and grace of God, and then your response. That holy sacrifice only comes through the One HE sent Jesus Christ.

LAVALETTE#10
Monday, June 15, 2009 3:13:43 AM
Thank you so much for talk about. Its kind of miracle: I'm young enough, without any chronicle or other problems, non-smoking/drinking at all person, but past couple years almost every day thinking about my death. No, not on depression case - i just think :

I see everybody, they busy with life routine, and look like nobody thinking about personal death? And how to prepare yourself to miss your beloved people when I will die? I'm not talking about how they will feel without me: I simply know that same routine will help them, by me... what happen after? What if is I will able to think and feel but not be able to let them know that I continue feel all and I see them?

If somebody also think about, please, let me know , how you planning to solve this problem.

lavalette@mail.ru

Respectfully yours.

My Mom died at home of lung cancer after 18 months and four courses of chemo. She smoked for 20 years, but did not smoke for the last 20 years. We had some long talks during those 18 months and I admired how she faced the end with such grace and calmness, altho there were times she was afraid and fearful. My main regret about those 18 months was that we didn't go thru the family scrapbooks and remember and relive all those great times we had together as a family. I think it would have helped her realize that she, and we, had had a good life together, with many laughs and great moments, many of which had been long forgotten. As it was, after she passed, my sister and I went thru the scrapbooks together and cried all afternoon together- sometimes tears of laughter, other times tears of sadness and loss. It was helpful for us to deal with the pain of losing her, and I believe it could have been even better if she had been there laughing and crying with us.