When a Child Steals

August 10, 2009, 7:51 pm
When a Child Steals
By Tara Parker-Pope
When is stealing a normal childhood behavior, and when is it something to worry about? That’s the issue explored in today’s 18 and Under column by pediatrician Dr. Perri Klass.

By the time a worried parent asked me professionally about a child who had stolen something, I had some answers — because I had already been a worried parent and had asked my own pediatrician.

In our house we had gone through the usual process, but I had no idea how usual it was…. How do we handle this? What does it mean? Does this tell us something we don’t want to know about our child’s character? About ourselves? Is something really wrong?

To learn more, read the full column, “Stealing in Childhood Does Not a Criminal Make,” and then please join the discussion below. Has your child ever stolen something? How did you handle it?

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1. August 10, 2009
9:48 pm

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Yes my child has stolen. It started at age 6 in the supermarket. I caught him stealing candy in the aisle. I took him to the front desk and explained to the clerk what he had done. I then told the clerk that the child would now like to pay for the candy which he did. The stealing however continued, and he would try to separate himself from me when we got to the store. Finally I had to tell him no more trips to the supermarket.

In 7th grade he was caught stealing a camera from a student’s locker. In 9th grade I found $80 in his wallet which had disappeared from mine. He is going to turn 16 next month. I don’t see anything good in his future.

— bhansen

2. August 10, 2009
10:15 pm

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if a child have all he needs to have,and still went inside a mall and stole something without showing it to the mother,it is a very big problem to the family and the community.

— jessica

3. August 10, 2009
10:15 pm

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Bhansen, I feel for you and it sounds like you are doing your best. There really seems to be little a parent can do to deal with a child who has poor impulse control and keeps engaging in risky behavior.

My mom (now in her 60s) sometimes seems to think rules don’t apply to her. When I was a kid she told me some impressive lines about how it’s not right to steal, but one time as a teen I was deeply embarrassed when I caught her trying to steal an already-opened pack of gum from a drugstore. I told her to put it back. Recently we went to a restaurant, she asked for a (free) cup of water instead of soda, and then couldn’t figure out where to get water from the soda dispenser… so she felt that her inability to find the water entitled her to a free soda. I felt so frustrated and furious, I yanked the soda out of her hand and threw it away, as if she were a child. How could she teach me that stealing was wrong and then cavalierly try it herself?

I guess trying to get away with something, is a human impulse that we all have from time to time, and we can all act on it. I hope you have a better time with your son in the future.

— Ellen

4. August 10, 2009
10:56 pm

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My neighbor and I used to play together all the time when we were little. We’d often bring our toys to each other’s houses, and would usually end up accidentally forgetting at least one of them. The thing is, we’d rarely give them back. It was sort of, oh well, if she forgot it, she must not want it, it’s mine now! And we both did this, and were actually pretty okay with it.
Is that stealing…? haha

— hello

5. August 10, 2009
11:02 pm

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When I was in 1st grade, I was at a friend’s house for a birthday party, and stole her brother’s Mickey Mouse watch. My memories of the incident itself are dim. I have a vague recollection that I saw it, wanted it, and took it when I had the opportunity. I’m sure that even at that young age, I knew what I was doing was wrong.
My parents found out and were horrified, of course. I was given a lecture, taken back to my friend’s house, made to confess and apologize. Again, dim memories of being very embarrassed and ashamed.
My parents told me years later that they were worried sick that this was a sign of future anti social behavior. 35 years later: have never stolen anything again, nor broken any laws worse than having an expired car registration!
So parents, don’t worry so much. Just set your kids a good example in your own conduct, each and every day. Anything good or decent I can lay claim to in my own self and life, I owe to the goodness in my mom and dad. Your kids will remember the same of you.

— wwphs

6. August 10, 2009
11:12 pm

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Interesting topic. All parents face this issue, and the response for each child and of each child is somewhat different. My older two tried the stealing thing at stores once or twice, but once caught and forced (by me) to face the music it stopped. At home, it took a few more tries before “thou shalt not steal” took hold. My youngest, who had an innate sense of morality, was sorely tempted by the candy at supermarket checkout. She managed it by straightening it out ore re-arranging it while we checked out.

Bhansen, you have my sympathy. As my youngest had that innate sense of morality, it seems your son doesn’t have the desir, or perhaps the ability, to learn to control himself. My son had a few brushes with the law; it made me very aware of how little control we really have over our children. We just have to do our best and pray for them and for us,

— Cathy V

7. August 10, 2009
11:20 pm

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i really think it is a head-scratching problen.Frankly speaking, the parents who pay much attention to their children”s mental edvelopment are more anxious and blind about how to handle this problem properly.If they take it as granted,the kids “habit would be more difficult to quit,but it they take it seriously, the kids’ heart would be frightened and a dark shadow would impress on their young heart because they really had not done something wrong ,that is just a process of growth ,a felling of curiosity.
After all, adults may have the desire to get away something they like some time although they don’t really do it .

So the better way to solve it is try to reason and criticise the kids gently and tell them they should buy them instead of getting them for free. Of course,parents should set a good example to the children and communicate with them more often.

— Tina

8. August 11, 2009
12:07 am

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Bhansen, your story reminds me of the time when, as a young child, I picked some flowers from a neighbor’s garden. Horrified by my theft, my mother marched me to my neighbor’s door and had me return my ill-gotten goods. It was a lesson that made a strong impression on me.

Another way she impressed upon her kids the wrongheadedness of stealing was to have us give up something of value, if she discovered one child had taken something from another (we were a family with five children, with inevitable conflicts). Helping us to know what it felt like to be the victim of a theft helped us curb our impulses to take things that did not belong to us.

— Janet

9. August 11, 2009
12:16 am

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Definitely can empathize with the “anger stealing.” As a child of divorced parents, I can’t tell you how many times I stole and destroyed prized possessions, etc., with the idea that somehow these petty acts of vengeance would set things straight.

This is indeed a harder problem to solve, because it is more a symptom rather than a problem in and of itself.

I’m an adult now, and I don’t steal anymore. I just drink too much, gamble too much, get angry a lot, have poor romantic relationships, etc.

But I don’t steal!

— GLM

10. August 11, 2009
12:36 am

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i stole as a child, till i was @ 10 years old.

my mom knew, and kept my secret even though other moms called to say i’d stolen a lucite ring here, some dollhouse furniture there, pretty barrettes, etc.

perhaps she thought this stealing was normal; i don’t think she ever realized that i took these things because i wasn’t bought things like that. nice stuff, but nothing very pretty. certainly, we had the $$ to buy these things, i just don’t think it ever occurred to her that i would want–or, more so, need–these items.

the larger story was that my family loved me very much, but didn’t listen to me tell them what i wanted/needed, so i stopped asking at a very young age. to this day, in my 40s, i remember these incidents. and it’s taken me a long time to get over not being doted on the way the rest of the girls my age were.

— anne

11. August 11, 2009
12:40 am

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My closest friend from age 8 on was caught repeatedly stealing during childhood and into junior high. Stealing money from her parents’ coin collection, stealing money from cars at a sport field, and shoplifting. We lived in an upper middle class neighborhood,. At the time, I really could not understand why she stole things. It took my friend many years, in fact until the age of 30, to confide to me that her stepfather was beating her severely from childhood on. I have come to believe that chronic theft by children, when there is not an obvious poverty-starvation condition afoot, calls for a closer look into the child’s home life. In her adulthood, my friend suffered anxiety problems and finally got the therapy she needed. She is a wonderful person who has had to deal with a difficult childhood..

— dm

12. August 11, 2009
12:53 am

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My ten year old son has stolen a number of items. I noticed that he stole money from people he wanted more love and attention from. I was horrified. It was hard to stop myself from giving the “this will lead nowhere good and might land you in the state penitentiary” lecture and just stick to the situation at hand. Mostly I managed to keep it in the moment, telling him to return the item, apologize and pay for it. Sometimes I would add consequences like no TV or computer. He consistently stole a neighbor’s Wall Street Journal from the front stoop — I haven’t come up with any explanations for that one.

I worried that he’d become a juvenile delinquent or worse when this was combined with getting into behavior trouble at school. However, he switched schools last year and was much happier at the new one. The stealing has tapered off. I can’t think of anything he’s stolen recently at all, though the hardest thing for him to give up was Wall Street Journal.

— Alexena Bransford

13. August 11, 2009
1:25 am

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bhansen - if it’s any consolation, I stole like a fiend at your sons age; anything i could get my hands on. anything. huge amounts of stuff. i got caught one day (on a day when i’d taken very little, thanks]fully) and a store detective scared the hell out of me.

I’ve not stolen in 20 years.

I have another friend who had a similar theft habit; up to and including university - even from the archives of their college. 20 years later and they’re a lawyer - and fastidiously straight down the line.

I hope these might offer you some hope for your son - we take much greater risks when we’re young; at some point as we age the rationalization of the cost/benefit is such that many people stop as a matter of course. It might not be higher morality, but it’s better than nothing..

— annon

14. August 11, 2009
1:27 am

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Bhansen, I advise you to seek a therapist for you and your child. The stealing isn’t somehow a purely personal problem of your son without relationship to his family or environment in general.

— odysseus

15. August 11, 2009
1:32 am

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One of my children, at age 7, stole so much money (from my purse over several months’ time) that for awhile we actually went into debt. Turns out she was being molested by a neighbor and this was her cry for help.

— outsider

16. August 11, 2009
4:43 am

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I was a 9 year old Brooklyn punk, –stole like crazy till I was about 13, (then living in NJ suburbia) stole some makeup from a drug store that I later knew was watching me to catch me in the act as I was getting very brazen. They told me they were going to call the police and I bolted, never stole again.
Years later my daughter stole a lipstick, and was caught by a supermarket camera, the decent man who was the manager, bought me in the store, talked witrh her and I explained how stealing makes us all pay more, etc.– but my sweet daughter was so humiliated that she never did it again– I NEVER told anyone or ever mentioned it to her after we drove home and I told her about myself and all that stopped me from stealing, normal phase for many– 99% stop and move on- don’t make a huge scene about it– love, understanding, honesty and logic…no big power plays as so many parents do, my Mom threatened “reform school” (emotional abuse with this & more unfortunately)– made it worse and prolonged it.

— things change

17. August 11, 2009
7:09 am

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I think the advice in the column is excellent; it can be hard to find just the right balance, though.
Peer pressure can help. I remember my father (now about age 80) telling me of a friend of his in junior high school (I think) who stole from a local store, and my dad’s expressing his disapproval. Some time later, the friend told a story of being caught at the store, taken to the manager’s office, left alone while the manager went to call the police, and trying to escape out the window. He said he was caught by the manager, who pulled his leg “just like I’m pulling yours”. His point was that my dad’s (and his other friends’) message had gotten through—he wasn’t stealing anymore.

— Sally G

18. August 11, 2009
8:09 am

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I remember lifting three items as a child. One, because I knew my parents wouldn’t let me buy it. The second was on a dare, and the third was an anger theft. All small inexpensive items.

What I most remember about those items was that I did not value them, nor was I able to enjoy them at all. This alone was reason enough to decide not to try it again.

The increasing criminalization of common childhood misbehaviors does present an ethical dilemma for parents. What was once a matter of returning an item and possibly working out an arrangement for restitution can now lead to a day in juvenile court or even criminal court for parents. It requires a different response from parents. Doing the right thing can exact a much higher price than it used to. What to do?

— rjs

19. August 11, 2009
8:57 am

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My brother was about 3 when he took a package of gum from the grocery store. My mom found it when we got home, took him back to the store and made him apologize to the owner, a family friend.

This gentleman, as kind as a puppy, was very very tall, wore a bow tie, and had a military flattop haircut and Drew-Carey like black glasses. So he looked a little scarey to small kids.

My mother told him my brother had something to tell him, and Mr. Moore, apparently in on the deal, was very solemn and stern. My blubbering brother confessed, apologized, promised to never do it and handed over the gum. Mr. Moore accepted it and my mother thanked him.

Scared us straight.

I still shop at that neighborhood market, and Mr. Moore’s son, who now owns the store, says he has to do this about once a month. Seems customers in his store still believe in the scared straight method. He says that usually the kids are so cute, he just wants to hug them and say it’s OK, but he knows that’s not the message that he needs to send.

— Kim from Nebraska

20. August 11, 2009
9:45 am

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What about teenagers who shoplift? I had a friend who started off shoplifting lip balm. She had a bucket of 100s of them under her bed. She then moved onto clothes. She turned out fine (now has a good job, graduated college, nice husband).

Can Dr. Klass address the issue of shoplifting in the teenager? It seems like a separate topic.

— S

21. August 11, 2009
9:47 am

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My son stole comic books when he was 8 or so. I told him that he couldn’t go into a store alone for 3 months. He was relatively horrified at what he had done, goaded by an older friend. They were both poor kids, mothers on welfare. He was relieved at the punishment.

Fast forward 32 years. He is a very productive member of society, at the height of his field, making great money, giving back to the community, volunteering with homeless children, a loving and supportive and connected family member. He doesn’t steal anymore. As far as I know he never stole again.

— eliz

22. August 11, 2009
9:53 am

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When my brother and I were little, we were in a music store in our hometown that is famous for it’s collection of guitars and music (on vinyl back then). I was old enough to be walking, but my mother had my brother in a back pack carrier. While she was standing there talking to her friend and the person working at the store, my brother proceeded to take as many guitar picks as he could and stuff them in the backpack. When my mom got home and took him out of the carrier, he had close to 100 guitar picks. He was too young to understand when she took them back and explained, but I was fascinated. It is still a story told often in our family.

— Lisa

23. August 11, 2009
10:00 am

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two views on stealing - my husband came from strange parents - his father drank and was very abusive to my husband, their youngest child. Dad was also notoriously cheap and not overly kind, although he used to go to church all the time. Well, my husband’s mother would have her son steal the coins from her husband’s pockets after he passed out, then send my husband down to buy them ice cream. My husband admitted he stole money from his dad, but after growing up kept stealing ’small’ - coins, stuff from the office and would hide money from me. A very wierd dimension in an otherwise good person.
When my son was 6 he was quite twisted up about something and didn’t tell me. He did confide in his father that for the whole school year he’d been stealing classmates’ pencils and had a whole box full and he didn’t know what to do about it and was frightened the teacher would discover his crime. So my husband (the coin stealer above) told him that every day, he should covertly return one pencil to each child until they were where they belonged. My son did and was enormously relieved when it was over. Of course, my husband didn’t tell me about it until it had already happened. Anyway, I noticed my son took money from me occassionally and i confronted him, usually because i didn’t have that much money to spare. But I decided that I wasn’t going to hide money and left it around, especially coins, and told him if he needed any money, it was okay to take some. and after that he never took money anymore. But, it did turn out that during this pencil incident, my son was being molested by an older female child in a babysitting situation and it took a lot of years for him to overcome that horror. This was a major issue that my husband could never deal with and to this day has never discussed with our son. Luckily, my son has grown into a fine young man and I haven’t noticed any wierd stealing habits. My other son I never had any problems with. But I wouldn’t discount such things or be so cavalier as the doctor in this story. I don’t think it’s normal or routine. I wouldn’t freak on the kid, but I would consider it a heads up that you’d better watch over your child a little closer. I never suspected anything like molestation but I look back and there were several signs, pencil stealing just one of them.

— Trudy

24. August 11, 2009
10:00 am

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My son stole a grapefruit, some jello and the carton of half and half from the fridge when he was 4. He put it under his bed, which was quite easy to see when you walked in his room. We never did figure out why he did it, but we all laughed when it was discovered. He has not stolen anything since, and is now a fine and upstanding citizen of 27 years. Who knows why he stole from the fridge? Maybe he was thinking he would like a midnight snack?

— Dianne

25. August 11, 2009
10:03 am

When our culture worships objects (ie. cars & barbies) you can expect children and people who have grown up immature to blur the boundary between having and wanting. It is a byproduct of the parenting of children who have been taught to believe that it’s easier to apologize than it is to ask permission. This matrix can be stretched limitlessly to fit over the stealing of financial banks and their pyramid credit operations. Credit has made us into financial imbeciles and as this article expresses… some of us into shoplifters and discredited thieves..

— John Jacobson

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