Lessons in Loving While My Father Was Dying

Jason Mannino - Conscious Career Coach, Life Coach, Speaker/Trainer, Founder: The People Agenda
Posted: September 25, 2009 12:39 PM BIO
Lessons in Loving While My Father Was Dying

Read More: Cancer, Castro, Death, Death & Dying, Death And Dying, Dying, Florida, Gay, Lung Cancer, Welfare, Living News

Fifteen years ago at my grandmother's funeral was the last time I saw my dad. Two weeks ago I was standing in front of him face to face. It wasn't the visit I had hoped for. He had departed his body 3 days earlier, and I was in attendance at his funeral. As I looked at my dad's lifeless body I said goodbye in my mind as a deep sense of love, gratitude, and amazement, mixed with the grief that comes from not wanting to let go, swept over me.

The gratitude and amazement were directly related to the journey of resolution and healing I had begun with my father nine months ago. Last November, I heeded the call to heal and resolve what had essentially been thirty years of an estranged relationship. Thirty years ago my mom and dad split up. The catalyst was a torrid affair he chose not to end. So, my mother changed the locks and put his stuff on the porch. It was a terrifying time. My dad's business went bankrupt and my mother was left with very little resources to take care of me and my two brothers. She went on welfare and within a couple of years got back to work and was able to keep our home. Although, I did have some interaction with my father, at least until high school, it was always very strained and cold. The truth is, he and his wife embarrassed me. I internalized all of the judgments my mother had passed, who largely remained embittered and cynical about the situation until she died in 2003. They were uneducated, lacked any sort of style, class, were essentially socially inept, and of course, my father was a "no good_____," you fill in the blank.

Regardless, ten years ago, while living in San Francisco, I began the process of healing my relationship with him on a mental level. At that time standing in a gay bar in the Castro with beer in hand, and shockingly loud dance music that you had to scream over, a friend asked, "WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER LIKE?!" My response, "I DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER!" In that moment something shifted and I immediately realized that I did indeed have a relationship with my father. I knew in that moment that I had a choice to make, and I did. I knew that not only was "I don't have a relationship with my father," the description of my "relationship" with my father, but also that I could choose the relationship that I desired.

As a result of this realization I began the process of reconnecting with my father and even moving into forgiveness. Six months earlier my father learned from an uninvited source that me and my twin brother are gay. My father wasn't happy with this discovery and at one point on a birthday had the audacity to suggest that I consider "homo-reparative" therapy. I said to my dad, "Dad, it's my birthday. We can end this conversation now and never speak again, or you can wish me a happy birthday." He wished me a happy birthday. Our relationship continued strained, with a phone call every few months at most. After my mother died in 2003 I decided, again, that I would attempt to repair my relationship with my only living parent, and continued infrequent, superficial, yet cordial phone calls.

Nine months ago I realized that my movement towards resolution over those years was a process of going through the motions, in which I had not let go of all my old judgment or misinterpretations. At this point, I had not fully embraced my father in my heart. There was more work to do. So, my intention embarking upon this journey nine months ago was to resolve the past and learn to love my father.

I had no idea last November, when I made the call with this intention that he had just been diagnosed with Liver Cancer. You might say my timing was uncanny. I executed a full on action plan to heal my relationship with him and nurture him from afar. It included daily prayers, and visualizations in alignment with my desired outcome. It included weekly calls and e-mails keeping him abreast of what was happening in my life. It included doing deep emotional work to resolve all of the old judgments and beliefs that I had bought into many years ago.

At moments I found myself feeling resentful. I resented that I was finally moving into a more loving relationship with my dad at a time when every conversation we had was about the latest trip to his oncologist, the latest diagnosis on whether or not this cancer battle would be won, and the recent hellacious, treatment side effects. I found myself asking, "When do I get to have a father? Why am I the one doing the nurturing here?" An answer came quickly, and I realized I was being given an opportunity to act in alignment with the level of emotional and spiritual maturity I had realized since my mother's death six years earlier. I was being given an opportunity to fully reside in self-loving and understand that in order to effectively nurture another I must deeply nurture myself.

My dad opted for a year-long oral chemotherapy treatment that had killer side effects. One month ago he was rushed back to the hospital to discover the cancer spread to his lungs. The doctors made it clear, "There is nothing more we could do." When these words landed on my ears from my brother's mouth 3000k miles away my body leaped into survival mode. My heart began racing and sweat began to ooze from my pores. I thought to myself, "Who makes these decisions?" "There is nothing more we can do." I had heard these words six years prior when my mother died and we were forced to make the choice to remove her life support. I began asking, "What do you mean? How can this be? This isn't right! This is wrong! He is a young man (69)! What do you mean there is nothing more we can do? He just has to die?!? This can't be!" I am not sure exactly who I thought I was being in that moment, suggesting that I had the power to say what could and couldn't be in regards to my dad's death. I realized quickly that this was my ego's grand attempt at control. It also dawned on me that in my experience of death it is this initial loss of ego control that is perhaps the greatest cause of the pain that is experienced upon losing a loved one. I have learned from some of my greatest teachers that suffering is actually the sum of pain times resistance (suffering=pain x resistance). In this context it is the ego's resistance to letting go of control rather than accepting the painful circumstance that yields suffering.

My dad on the other hand was a fine example of ease and grace as he went through this experience. Less than two weeks after being sent home with the message, "There is nothing more we can do," he expired his body. I am faithful that although he could have easily been around for another 6 months or more that he and spirit conspired to ease his suffering and the suffering of his loved ones by "checking out," before his cancer reared an even uglier head.

My dad lived a humble existence. For many years I judged the fact that he never made a lot of money and left my mother on welfare. I didn't know at that time that all of the events of my past were brought into my reality to teach lessons that were meant uniquely for me. I am grateful for the lessons I have received through my father's willingness to play his role perfectly in my life. Some of the lessons include turning inward to know the boundless love that exists for me inside. When I realized the inward loving that resides within me I then realized that it is not possible for a parent to not love a child. The simple act of conception itself is a divine act made of loving. In this realization for what felt like the first time in my heart I came to embrace My Father.

After fifteen years I decided I would go see my father. Prior to my trip a colleague asked, "When you visit, what would you like him to say to you?" Through tears I answered, "I want him to say, 'I am proud of you.'" I thought I would make it while he was still living. Alas, that was not what spirit had in store for me. However, after my last conversation with him, while he was still in the hospital, he was fairly coherent, and asked, "What are you up to?" I shared some significant accomplishments with him that were going on at the time. He responded, "I am proud of you." That was the last conversation I had with my father alive.

Please share you comments - how has your experience of going through the dying process with someone expanded your consciousness or brought you into expanded loving.

(My Dad died at age 84 from an aortic valve stenosis. It happened suddenly and I grieved for a month, without crying once. We had a strained relationship also
from the time I became an adolescent throughout most of my life. When I got out of the Army I resolved to repair our relationship, if I could, and made several attempts, unsuccessfully. He would just NOT allow me to get emotionally closer to him. My Mom died of lung cancer after fighting it for 18 months. I was amazed how well she took the inevitability of death so well. After four course of chemotherapy and its terrible side effects, she just said, enough. We had several long heartfelt talks, during which I realized for the first time that she was somewhat disappointed that I did not give her grandchildren to spoil. I wish we had taken out the family picture books and went over them to review all the good times we had in the past, as a family. We did some remembering, but there was a lot left out. I realized that when my sister and I were cleaning out her things afterward. We spent an entire afternoon laughing and crying as the memories were relived and remembered. She had become very spiritual in her later years and was sure she was going to a better place. I am sure she did.)

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New start, sad end: College kids’ parents grapple with letting go

New start, sad end: College kids’ parents grapple with letting go

Carissa Ray / msnbc.comAlexa Sieracki, 17, of Elkhart, Ind., traveled with her family to begin classes at University of Southern California in Los Angeles. Sieracki is skipping her senior year at Elkhart Memorial High School after being one of 30 students internationally to be accepted to USC's Resident Honors Program and being awarded a grant to help her family afford the lofty tuition. Above, Alexa registers at her dorm on move-in day.

JoNel Aleccia Health writer

updated 10:30 a.m. ET, Tues., Sept. 1, 2009
LOS ANGELES— It’s 2,111 miles from Elkhart, Ind., to Los Angeles, but Alexa Sieracki isn’t counting.

The new freshman at the University of Southern California would rather not know exactly how far she is from home, the better to enjoy the first days and weeks of a college dream that managed to transcend hard times in her northern Indiana city.

“I feel like I’m on the brink of so much change,” said Sieracki, 17. who started classes Aug. 24.

But Alexa’s mother, Kris Sieracki, like other parents of some 1.8 million first-time college students at four-year schools across the country, is aware of every inch of the distance. After leaving her youngest daughter in a USC dorm two weeks ago, she is trying to heed the advice of experts who say it’s possible, if painful, to smooth the transition from full house to empty nest.

“It’s just going to take me a while,” said Sieracki, 56, an herbalist and entrepreneur who largely arranged her work around the schedules of Alexa and her other daughter, Natasha, 21. “Motherhood has been like the most wonderful job in the world.”

Although it’s exciting and fulfilling, sending a child to college has rarely been easy, family psychology experts say. The move marks the end of the active stage of child-rearing and a shift to more passive kind of parenting, said Dr. Karen Soren, director of adolescent health services at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.

“Ideally you’re onto the next stage, which is the ‘you’ stage,” Soren said.

But for a generation of so-called “helicopter” parents — mothers and fathers who were urged to be extensively involved in their children’s academic and social lives —the shift can be particularly hard, said Marjorie Savage, director of a University of Minnesota parent program and author of a book on the college transition.

“Families today are not the same. They’re closer,” said Savage, author of the 2003 book, “You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me.) “It’s an experience for the family, not just an experience for the child.”

'The end of a phase'
That’s certainly the case for Alexa Sieracki, one of five Elkhart, Ind., students msnbc.com is following as part of long-term coverage of the effects of the economic crisis in one of the nation’s hardest-hit cities.

She was a star student and athlete at Elkhart Memorial High School whose college plans were jeopardized by blows to her family’s income, including medical bills for her mother’s bout with breast cancer and cuts at the U.S. Postal Service, where her 53-year-old father, Tim, is a letter carrier.

Carissa Ray / msnbc.comKris Sieracki, mother of incoming freshman Alexa Sieracki, says her emotions "are all over the map."

But Alexa Sieracki’s dreams of studying geochemistry were fulfilled when she was chosen for an elite spot in USC’s Resident Honors Program and offered a generous scholarship to pay tuition and living expenses, which top $51,000 a year.
“Oh, gosh, how can you not be so thrilled for her?” said Kris Sieracki.

Still, the thrill is mixed with sadness when the family lands in Los Angeles and lugs seven suitcases into a waiting rental car.

“I’m all over the map,” said Kris Sieracki. “It’s the end of a phase for everyone.”

Modern-day parents typically struggle to wean themselves from intense, daily engagement with their college-age children, even as the children struggle to establish themselves as independent young adults, Savage said.

“We tell parents to think about the difference between letting them go and letting them grow,” she said.

That may be easier said than done, especially this year, when new college students are starting school in the midst of a historic recession, which has added financial worry to the emotional toll of the transition.

“I think it has had a more sobering effect,” said Savage, who has surveyed dozens of families. “Parents feel there’s a lot more at stake.”

More than 53 percent of freshmen at four-year colleges said they and their families had some concern about paying for school, and another 11 percent said they had major concerns, according to a December poll by the Chronicle of Higher Education.

In the Sierackis’ case, the family scrimped all summer to pay the $2,500 in travel fees to get Alexa to Los Angeles, plus necessary extras that tallied $300 at a local Target store and $800 at the USC bookstore. On top of that, there was a $150 bill for a chiropractor when Alexa woke up on moving day in severe pain with a pinched nerve in her neck.

“It’s a paycheck-to-paycheck game right now,” said Kris Sieracki, who estimates it’ll take until October to resolve the bills.

A tearful goodbyeStill, for the Sierackis and others, finances take a back seat to emotions when it comes time for the actual separation — and then the weeks and months that follow.

In a tiny alcove outside Alexa’s dormitory, the family gathered to say goodbye.

Kris Sieracki clasped Alexa’s hands, then enveloped her in a tearful embrace. “It’s going to be amazing,” she said.

Natasha Sieracki, who’s been through this before, offered her sister a big hug and a broad smile.

Tim Sieracki swallowed hard and reminded Alexa to always remember to take her keys with her.

He hugged her quickly. “Until we meet again,” he said in a tight voice.

Then Tim, Kris and Natasha walked down long, concrete paths, away from a throng of new students waiting for pizza, Alexa among them. When she got far enough away that Alexa couldn’t see, Kris looked back, just once. Tim reached around and patted his wife’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe we’re going to leave her here,” Kris Sieracki said. “Life goes on back in Indiana.”

Such scenes are common every year, and even experts who help organize events to ease college transition say they understand the struggle to separate.

“It can be very hard,” said Joyce Holl, executive director of the National Orientation Directors Association, an agency that provides education and resources for college officials. “It’s like that first day of kindergarten, but my child’s not coming home after school,” she said.

Last month, Holl left her youngest daughter, Maggie, 18, at Minnesota State University. Her older sister, Kalyn, 20, attends the University of Minnesota nearby, but she lives in an apartment.

“I’m still dealing with it, to be honest,” Holl said. “At home, it’s been very quiet.”

Fortunately for parents and students, there’s a science to the freshman year departure process. From convocation ceremonies to parent barbecues, every activity is designed to ease parents away from the school — even as students are eased in.

“At orientation, our people are really having to remind parents to focus on letting go,” Holl said. “If they’re not pleasantly asked to leave, they’re going to stick around with their child.”

Such rites are as much for the benefit of the student as the parent. When parents linger too long, it can delay the young person’s adjustment to the situation, said Jacquelyn Crinnion, 20, the USC resident adviser who will supervise Alexa Sieracki’s dorm.

“Normally, once the parents leave, they do well on their own,” said Crinnion, who has been a so-called RA for most of her college career. “We really find they do a lot better without mommy and daddy.”

In touch by text

Today’s families probably have it easier than those in the past, Soren said. Technology allows them to stay connected in a casual, daily way. Instead of a weekly Sunday night phone call, students are more likely to stay in touch by text or e-mail.

That works well, Soren said, as long as neither parents nor students overdo the communication. She’s heard of parents who text or e-mail their children several times a day, asking about every class meeting or test result. And she’s heard of students who turn to parents with every minor problem instead of figuring it out on their own.

“A lot of families don’t let go and a lot of kids are happy not to let go,” she said. “In some ways, it eases the separation and in some ways, it prolongs the separation.”

The best approach is a balance, Soren said. But that has to start long before the family car is loaded with bed sheets and school supplies. A year or more before a student leaves for college, parents should start allowing far more autonomy and freedom – and focusing on their own post-kid interests.

“I feel strongly this should not be an abrupt transition,” she said.

It’s also good to remember that not all families struggle with the transition to college. Another Elkhart-area girl, Kelsie Draper, 18, moved last weekend into a dormitory at Hope College in Holland, Mich.

For weeks, the family’s mood has been more celebratory than sad, noted her mother, Gail Draper, 52, a guidance counselor at Elkhart Central High School who is sending the youngest of her three kids to college.

“I am just excited about the opportunity for her to go,” she said. “I think Kelsie’s much more capable than she thinks she is.”

But, unlike Alexa Sieracki, Draper’s daughter will be only three hours away, securely on the same side of the country. That proximity makes the transition easier for everyone, Draper said.

“If I was taking Kelsie to California, you’d see tears.”

My brothers oldest daughter just left for college at Alabama a little over a week ago and the transition has been difficult for everybody. His daughter has to make all of her decisions now and doesnt have her parents there to protect and advise her. Her parents have to realize that she is becoming a young lady and allow her to grow into an independent person. They are glad for her that shes entering college, but sad for themselves because they will miss having her around.