Men

We always find ourselves unable to resist clicking on those articles that claim to know "what he's really thinking" — so when we came across this man's point-of-view piece, we were immediately intrigued. Here's an inside look at the male psyche that helps us better understand the supposedly simpler sex. —Glo

By Brendan Tapley for Woman's Day

What makes a man? The mythology surrounding this question still looms large. So much so that men often experience a hidden battle: whether their decisions should be self-determined or dictated by how masculine they will seem to others. Do I let my wife know how much something is bothering me or will that come across as not being in control? Do I speak my mind at work or does that risk being seen as too emotional? If I take a stand on a principle that bucks the boys' club, will I lose status? Luckily, women can be strong advocates for change by encouraging men to evolve and expand beyond the stereotypes. Take a look at the 10 biggest falsehoods about men that, when debunked, can lead us to true masculinity.

Myth #1: Men Are Not Emotional

This may come as a surprise, but men are probably more emotional than women. How is this possible? Unlike femininity, masculinity doesn't permit emoting on a regular basis, so men are like Victorian novels: placid on the outside, but concealing a deep emotional life within. Convincing a man that it is masculine to open up — in fact, it takes more cojones to do so — is a cause women should embrace. By encouraging men to reveal their true feelings, women are helping them release pent-up emotions, leading to a happier and healthier guy.(Psychologically I would have to agree that repressing ones emotions is nt healthy, for anybody. Everybody has feelings every day, dozens of them, me included. Whether I choose to demonstrate those emotions is another question. I am more likely to do so if I feel safe about the woman I am expressing them to, or the situation I am in.)

Myth #2: Sex Is What Matters the Most

Yes, sex is important to men. It's one of the ways we access our imaginations. (At times, it might seem like the only way we do.) But one of the big secrets about men is how much they long for real solidarity with their partner. And sex, because it makes the imagination literal, is something we rely on to achieve that bonded feeling. Next time you see your mate's desire for sex as chauvinistic, remember that he may be asking for proof that you and he are the team he fantasizes about.(Sex can be a profound bonding experience. It can also be just relief and satisfaction. For me it is frequently some of both. I want her on my team, sexually, and in every other way, as I plan to be there for her. It does set my imagination and fantasies free but I am frequently reluctant to share them with her for fear she will think less of me if I do. I would prefer if she shares some of her fantasies with me first, to open that door, and make it okay to do. That, of course, is a safer position for me. Gentle fantasies and mild kink first, maybe.)

Myth #3: A Man Is His Job

For most men, the pressures of work stem from two things: a desire to excel at something (a principle of manhood we were taught as boys) and a need to contribute to the well-being of our families. But duty is not the same as identity, and what one does is not the same as who one is. This is true for women, too; but, culturally, men are more defined by their professions, which can keep their passions — what really identifies them — invisible. Talking with men about their interests is a great way to get away from the conventional ways they are seen — even how they see themselves — which will help ensure a more unconventional (and improved) masculinity. (Getting us to talk about our interests, and even better, our passions is a great way to get to know us in general, and me specifically. Sports are a passion for many guys and I find women who can intelligently discuss sports to be very intriguing because they have taken the time and effort to learn about one of my passions, and we have an instant bond. They dont have to know all things about all sports, one in-depth field is very nice, and attractive to me. I realize they probably got their information and interest from their Dads and/or brothers, but that is just fine with me. To be honest, even if they show an interest in one of my sports I would be more than glad to teach her all I know. Sex IS an indoor sport, right?)

Myth #4: Males Are Limited Creatures

“Men are underdeveloped” is the most effective propaganda the male sex has created. Your belief in our limitations brings certain “rewards” (i.e. expectations are lowered; bad behavior is tolerated; apathy becomes a non-negotiable). Women, the usual victims of these limitations, most likely buy into the idea because it elevates them. The thing is, men are not limited; and if women decide to sacrifice a little superiority, they will gain better treatment by men. Just look at the vibrant imagination of any five-year-old boy or recall the way past boyfriends have courted you — we can be highly animated, curious, loving and devoted. Holding your guy to a higher standard may not get thanks right away, but it will actually liberate him to be a more expansive, and more real, man.(We are like kids. Holding kids to a higher standard will pay off in the long run too. Dont let us off too easy or too often or the bad behavior will continue. We are NOT limited, and given a chance, will show you better. We start with limitations, like everybody, but with patience, love, and support we can blossom too.)

Myth #5: Men Hate to Commit

Masculinity is one of the most oppressive forces, as far as behavior goes, because it demands that men appear “tough” at all times — thereby avoiding any overt displays of love and affection, which can be detrimental to a relationship. How often have you witnessed a man shut down during a tender moment or make a joke to detour from it? The toll this eventually takes is enormous, depriving men of the riches of intimacy — one of which is completely giving over to a true and loving partnership. While men may appear to prize freedom and independence, in their heart of hearts they truly value loyalty. In standing by her man, a woman can fill a primal absence. And once he realizes you have his back, he will start to show his feelings in his own way — which may not be “traditional” romantic gestures, but they will be gestures nonetheless.(Many women have this natural and seemingly easy ability to become intimate quickly and deeply, which is something I have always admired, and feared. At the same getting too close too quickly scares me, and usually causs me to push them away. I realize it is probably my own insecurities showing up, and maybe I am pushing them away because I am afraid they will get to know the real me, and reject me, so I reject them first. Maybe all of that is just psychological mumbo-jumbo. Maybe I am just afraid I will not measure up to them in the long run.)

Myth #6: Guys Don't Communicate

Men like to talk — have you ever tried asking us the best way to get somewhere? But we often censor ourselves based on how we think women might react to a deeper honesty. So, there are times we just don't bother. This is unfortunate, because men's internal lives are interesting and telling, and getting to know them by suspending judgment will encourage a man to be more open and more revealing to you.

Myth #7: A Woman's Looks Are Everything

Non, nein, nope. A woman's beauty is a thing to behold, and sometimes we can behold it at the wrong times (like when passing another woman on the sidewalk). But that's just visual titillation. The stimulus that matters most reaches our hearts and minds. A woman with a laser-like intelligence, sharp sense of humor and a compassionate soul — now, that's a centerfold.(Yep, I couldnt agree more. I look for a woman that adds love and feeling to my life. Not hysterical, constantly changing, dramatic, loud emotions, just feelings that are reflective of her and the situation.)

Myth #8: Men Don't Take Things Personally

This is certainly a myth we would like to believe about ourselves. Nothing fazes us: We're breezy, easy, confident. Yeah, right. The fact is that men take many things personally — the light teasing about our paunch, the less-than-stellar bedroom performance, the snide colleague at work — but the principles of masculinity prevent our admitting them. The problem is, these things come out in ways that truly affect us. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, men commit suicide four times as often as women, and suicide currently ranks as the seventh leading cause of death for men. Watching for when a guy might be repressing reactions for the sake of masculine pride, and asking him to forgo that habit, is one way women can literally save a man's life.(I take certain things personally and they are usually those things that offend my sense of personal dignity and values. Sometimes those things are hurtful; other times they are uplifting if they are positive. Sometimes I take things as a challenge to my skills or competency, and I use those things for motivation, like when somebody says I CANT do something. As I grow older there truly ARE more things I really CANT do, physically, and I am usually okay with that.)

Myth #9: Guys Don't Listen to Criticism

It's hard to argue that this one is a myth. But the reason men can be diva-like when it comes to criticism is because said criticism is rarely delivered in a way we understand. Women tend to talk around the problem, but it's okay to get in our faces every now and then and just say what's on your mind. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is taking someone seriously enough to risk offending them. In a weird way, those tough conversations get at the truth and, in calling attention to our blind spots, are about helping us. It's when couples no longer think it's worth the trouble that they have to worry. So, next time, try some tough love: We can take it. (I do not often admit it but I like a woman who will gently take me on, but in a helpful and positive way. Nobody likes criticism, but constructive advice can be absorbed fairly easily, especially if you know the one offering it is now, and has been for a while, in your corner. Of course we should do the same for the women in our lives.)

Myth #10: Boys and Girls Are So Different

Okay, so your son prefers horseplay and trucks, and your daughter likes dolls and playing dress-up. Who cares! The things that matter in life — whether your kids are ethical; whether they are kind to others; how they achieve self-fulfillment — are as important to recognize in adults as they are in children. Just as you wouldn't indulge your son's overconfidence because that seems “male,” don't allow your husband to get away with things that hurt your feelings because “that's how guys are.” The fact is, when it comes to men and women, our mythologies are — and should be — about living more authentic lives. (Boys will be boys only goes so far. We should be acountable for our actions, like anybody else.)