Female Fantasies: Shared Intimacies

Another reader responds about the way that fantasy fits into her sexual desires:

I probably should not begin writing this now ... being as tired as I am at the moment ... forging ahead ... I am a single woman, in my early 40s, in management, white/European descent, raised in the northeast, now settled in South Florida, some college ... am I rambling already ...?

Sexually speaking, I became sexually active at 14 with boys. At 23, I came out as a lesbian and dated only women for 12 years. Since my early 30s, my feelings on sexuality and gender can be summarized as follows, "If I like you, then I like you ... and what it is about you that makes you who you are. It's less about what's underneath a person's clothes, than what's in a person's heart that attracts me to them." I'm not a fan of labels, but if I had to, I would label myself a bisexual woman.

As a single woman, my sex life is 100 percent fantasy and self-gratification. Sexual fantasy (for me) is paramount to enjoyable playtime and climax. I have even stopped cold, on occasion, when my mind was "just not there" and I couldn't work out an enjoyable fantasy/idea/scenario in my head. It's usually not a problem if I think long enough. ;-) But, there are times when there is no person or situation off of which to build ... and if I'm tired enough, it's OK ... I'll skip it ... There's always tomorrow.

My fantasies run first and foremost to being someone else / looking completely different than I actually do, than toward exhibitionism or dominating someone else. But not at the same time.

I've always battled with my weight. More often than anything else, my fantasies are just good ole enthusiastic hot sex (with a celebrity, a co-worker, that cute bartender from the other night, etc. ...), but what's so hot is me, because I'm so slender and amazing looking. To play armchair psychiatrist, I'm not a hottie, but I wish I was. There is nowhere better than in my fantasies to envision myself as perfect.

I have held close a fantasy since (possibly) early high school of having sex on stage (originally with a man ..., later on a woman ..., and throughout by myself). The theater is dark, with one spotlight on the stage. There is a cane-back chair (a la Cabaret) and, well, there might be music. If there is, it's not relevant. The sex itself is fairly straightforward. Nothing acrobatic or terribly complicated. Just the feeling of being an object of fantasy ... of being a hot, platinum blond (think M. Monroe or Playboy) ... of being the impetus of desire in the audiences' loins. It occurs to me I have never given any thought to the make-up of the audience. I may be more of a narcissist than I originally thought.

Another semi-regular fantasy also involves "being" someone else, combined with domination ... This is far harder to write about than it might sound. In the fantasy, I'm a male (and not a particularly nice one) who is basically having his dick sucked by some generic, hot bimbo in an equally degrading location (like an alley behind a bar or in a men's bathroom). I cringe now when I think of the demanding, degrading tone I take with "my partner." But, when this is the scenario that works ... there is certainly no cringing.

Some insight: I think this scenario comes up more frequently as my stress level goes up at work. When I feel squashed down or unhappy, it becomes my desire to "pay it forward" and make someone else feel like shit, like I do. Of course, I would never treat anyone that way in real life, so my mind lets me bitch slap some ho' ... tell her to suck it harder ... and feel both satisfied and disgusted all at the same time.

My sexual desire tends to run in cycles. The 10 days leading up to the start of my monthly cycle is when desire is highest. I may masturbate daily during that time. As the cycle wanes, I will usually slack off and may only do this once a week. If I really feel like crap, I can be a sexual camel and just put it out of my mind until I forget how long it's been. On the other hand, when I drop weight and work out regularly, it's all I can do to not trawl the bars and fuck everyone.

Once I have a fairly good idea where (or with whom) my fantasy is going, the time needed isn't long. Sometimes I need only a few minutes (!), sometimes as long as 20-30 minutes. If I use a dildo, it can either make me climax way too fast, or complicate everything and turn it into a marathon. One toy I don't use is a vibrator. They're too strong and make my clitoris retract practically up into my chest cavity.

Hope this was OK to get the ball rolling. Glad to be of assistance in some small way!


Tags: female sexuality, response to the role of fantasy in your sex life, sexuality
My Made-Up Lover: Marshall, the Hydro-Geologist
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 6:08 PM By Daniel Bergner

|A third response to my question about the role of fantasy in your sex life.

Sexual fantasy plays a central role in my life, since I'm not sexually active. Much to my chagrin and frustration, my husband of six years, who was never all that horny to begin with, has lost all his desire for intimate physical relations. I therefore have to satisfy myself, but since I share a bed every night with someone who is not available as a partner, and I work all day either at the office or caring for my young kids, there is no opportunity for me to act on my desires—not even by myself. So I think about them instead.

I fantasize about sex daily. If sexual desire builds up long enough, I will have dreams at night that at least allow me to achieve orgasm, even if I'm not fully conscious for it.

I sometimes think about sex when I'm sitting alone in my cubicle with not enough to do. Sometimes in the car during my commute. But usually it's when I'm lying in bed, just before falling asleep or just as I'm waking up.

A third response to my question about the role of fantasy in your sex life.

My fantasies are sometimes fleeting sexual thoughts: masturbatory devices I've seen and am curious about; pornographic scenes I wish I could watch. But sometimes they're more intense and long-lived. Once I had a three-month affair where I experienced all the sensations of giddy infatuation with a completely made-up character. He had the face of an actor I saw in an in-flight movie while on a business trip ... I imagined him to be another guest at my Vietnamese four-star hotel. It sounds so pedestrian when I describe it, but at the time it was wildly romantic and engrossing: His name was Marshall, and he was a divorced hydro-geologist for Bechtel, bidding on infrastructure development for HCMC ports. Boring, right? But I fell in love with him! We ate together, stayed up late talking and drinking Hennessey from the business lounge bar, then accidentally-on-purpose falling into bed together, after which we got up the nerve to take a weekend trip to Hue which was pure heaven. After we both returned to the States, he surprised me by showing up for a visit and we—illicitly, guiltily—continued our affair in my home town for another couple of weeks. After which we broke up and moved on. Hey, it gave me something to think about, something to look forward to, someone (even a make-believe friend) to dress well for when I left the house each day.

I can generalize and say that my sexual fantasies most often involve a man who desires me. That's the single biggest, most irresistibly sexy turn-on I can imagine ... that hot, lingering stare from a man who thinks I am magnificent, and who can't wait to get his hands on my naked body. If it's not a months-long affair with Marshall, it's a week long storyline starring a TV show character, or Mr. Darcy, or a casual acquaintance from a rec league sports team. The unifying theme among the objects of my sexual fantasies is that I am THEIR object of desire.


Tags: marriage, response to the role of fantasy in your sex life, sex
I Am the Young Virgin Peasant Girl, or the School Whore
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 5:49 PM By Daniel Bergner

Another reader describes the role that fantasy plays in her sex life.

Fantasy is the essence of my sexual life. Fantasy is what brings novelty to sex within a long-term commitment; without fantasy sex becomes a calisthenic exercise.

I didn't begin fantasizing during sex until I was nearly 30. For most of my early 20s, I was able to keep my sex life interesting by sleeping with new people in new places—but at 25 I began to date the man I would later marry, and the variety I had once enjoyed slowly began to disappear. This is not to say the sex was bad—it was always enjoyable, and I was able to achieve small orgasms, which could easily happen 20 times in an hour. Each one was a very small peak, but the orgasms would build on each other; while I'd never experienced the volcanic eruptions I'd heard other women describe, with enough "mini-orgasms" I could reach heights of euphoria.

I can't remember what inspired me to start fantasizing during sex, but perhaps three years ago, I did so in conjunction with intense stimulation from my husband (simultaneous clitoral and vaginal) —and I experienced my first mind-blowing orgasm. I felt muscles throughout my entire body contract uncontrollably. When it was over, some of my world view had changed—I had to wonder if my previous mini-orgasms really orgasms at all. I began to lose interest in the mini-orgasms, and the big ones became easier and easier for me to achieve. To reach the "big" orgasm, there could be some variation as far as the method of physical stimulation is concerned—but to the best of my memory, there was always fantasy.

My fantasies most often revolve around power and power imbalances, and often taboos. In a milder fantasy I might imagine I am a young virgin peasant girl whose family is one of many that works the land of a rich land owner; the landowner or his son forces himself on me, and I know I have no choice but to let him do what he wants. Or I might imagine I am the school whore, or a social misfit, and the football team is taking turns with me. From there, the fantasies get more hard-core. Many of my fantasies involve things that disturb me in my non-sex life; it is often hard for me to find the right balance between too soft-core and too hard-core. It seems that ideas that gross me out—but not too much—cause my vaginal muscles to contract, and this leads to my orgasms. On a few occasions I've gone too far in my fantasies, and ended up disturbing myself (and then not wanting sex anymore). Because this fantasy life is still relatively new to me, I am still coming to terms with the fact that things that I find to be wrong (rape; taking advantage of those without power) are the things that bring me to orgasm.

Tags: fantasy, power, Rape, response to the role of fantasy in your sex life, sex
My Husband Had an Affair. I Fantasize About the Other Woman.
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 5:39 PM By Daniel Bergner

Here's one response to my question about what role fantasy plays in your life.

I would say that I use sexual fantasies in two separate ways:

1) I use them when I am having sex. I am married and have always been monogamous, and my husband had an affair early in our marriage. I find myself fantasizing about his having sex with other women when we are having sex. I would say I do this regularly, probably every time, but the fantasies tend to be brief: mere flashes really. I do not have a good visual memory so I fantasize (and think in general) in "impressions." I also have violent sexual fantasies while having sex, and they tend to be more prevalent when I'm actually aroused (which I would say I am about half the time), and the closer I get to orgasm, the more violent they become, especially if the orgasm is difficult to attain. By "violent," I mean I have rape fantasies where I am being raped (almost always) by a man, and unless I put my husband in that role (rare), the man is always someone I do not know, although in the fantasy he would not necessarily be a stranger. Again, these fantasies are brief, although it's difficult to say how long since the whole thing is very situational. I would say no longer than maybe 20 seconds, although I'll have several in a row or replay the same one over if necessary.

2) I use them when I masturbate. I would say these are pretty similar, although since I am more likely to have an orgasm when I masturbate, and since it's quicker and less intimate, my fantasies tend to "run" quicker in my head (same fantasy, faster show time). I have a few fantasies that are in regular rotation for this purpose, and often I do not think about my husband at all, even to imagine him with another woman, which is (as I said) something I do when we are together.

General comments: I always fantasize at least some when I'm having sex or masturbating. I never fantasize out in the "real world," and I never fantasize about famous people or even people I know (other than regarding my husband as I've otherwise mentioned). Most of my fantasies are modified from a scene I've seen on TV or in a movie, for example, I use the scene from Excalibur where Arthur's father transmutes into the form of another man and has sex with Arthur's mother while wearing bloody armor; and (I'm ashamed to say) the rape scene from The Accused.

In my fantasies, I equate male violence with actual desire. I do not personally like "romance" when it comes to sex. (Rose petals on the bed? Come ON. I'd just think about how I would have to clean them up.) I prefer passion, which I equate with aggression. Not to get all "therapy session" on you, I will say this: My husband's affair was very early in our marriage, and I have always secretly assumed it was because I am inadequate in one or more ways sexually. As a result, when he wants sex, I always assume he wants sex, not sex with me particularly, so I substitute what I feel like I'm missing from him (a genuine desire as evidenced by passion and a lack of control) with fantasy.


Tags: fantasy, monogamy, response to the role of fantasy in your sex life, sex
Sexual Fantasy and Orgasm
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 3:30 PM By Daniel Bergner

Thanks to the many women who wrote in over the past week, thoughtfully and candidly, in reply to my initial question:

What role does sexual fantasy play in your life? Some researchers say that erotic fantasy does not play a major part in women’s lives. Little is truly known. How often—and when—do you fantasize about sex? What are the fantasies? How long do they last? We at DoubleX hope you will get deeply into the details. Understanding lies in such depth.

For newcomers, I am still interested in responses to this original question. To those of you have already written in, let’s continue exploring the subject. As always, send replies to xxdesirelab@gmail.com.

Several of the answers I've received note that fantasy is essential to reaching orgasm. Researchers are beginning to study the parts of the brain that are involved in sexual climax. For those of you who depend on fantasy to come, is your sense that fantasy is putting you over the edge by stoking up arousal? By shutting off the voices of inhibition? By creating a kind of distance between you and your partner? Is fantasy serving in some other way?

I noticed that very few of last week's responders said they do not often fantasize. Probably this was a product of the way I phrased the initial question. Please don't hesitate to write in with your thoughts if you fantasize rarely or not at all.

I'm going to post a few of the early replies now, with more to follow next week along with a comment on threads that are emerging. If you'd like to reflect on what you read, that would be great, but please remember to be respectful. This is a blog that aims not for judgment but insight.

Tags: orgasm, sex
Welcome to the Desire Lab
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 at 3:19 PM By DoubleX Staff

Welcome to the "Desire Lab." The blog is designed to be one part confession, one part research, and we need your help. It will be moderated by Daniel Bergner, who wrote this fabulous New York Times Magazine story, “What Do Women Want?” Learning from the experiences of individual women and the experiments of scientists, he is now turning the article into a book.

Daniel, the author of three award-winning books of journalism, will regularly ask a question inspired by the current explorations of sex researchers and by your contributions. We invite you to send him candid, thorough answers to xxdesirelab@gmail.com. It may feel strange to type out things you’ve never shared with anyone. But try it. This is an ambitious project. Consider the blog a place to safely explore passions and lusts, longings and ideas. Our hope is to create a community moderated by Daniel, who will continue to pose questions and move the conversation along.

The identities of everyone who writes in will be kept secret. We will publish many of the answers on the blog, and Daniel may e-mail you back to learn more for his book.

(I have always been intrigued with how women think, and especially their fantasies. They seem to exist in a parallel plane from us guys, where EVERYTHING has meaning, and is observed and analyzed accordingly. Only recently have I become aware that they are aware of us watching them ALL THE TIME, even if its just a glance, and they have given us no overt clues to us, as having noticed us noticing. I enjoy women with an active fantasy life, especially if she includes me in it, and gives me an important, if not leading, role. I also like to share my fantasies with her so she can get an idea of where I am coming from, literally and figuratively. Power exchanges and taboos are also big. Previous girlfriends have educated me about their fantasies in the past and taught me things I had never thought about doing, before I met them. A couple times a month an old girlfriend would turn into Nasty Girl and persuade me- and coach me- to treat her rough and talk to her in a demanding and critical voice while I spanked her fine full butt, slapped her nice boobies around, and pinched her big nipples hard, for starters.)